Dear Honeys on the Hill,
So I’ve been involved with this person for a little while now and I really thought it was going well. We’ve been talking almost every day and I can’t seem to get their cute smile out of my head. Well, just when I thought we were going to get more serious, they told me that they thought we should just be friends! How could I have misjudged the situation that poorly? Am I going crazy or did they change their mind overnight? And what’s worse is that I can’t stop thinking about them. It’s almost as if them telling me that they wanted to stop being romantic made me realize how much I truly liked them. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Whiplash
Dear Whiplash,
UGH! Just reading this story was frustrating. First things first, you’re not crazy!
Just because something ends doesn’t mean that it never happened. You are allowed to be frustrated and confused and feel whatever you are feeling. Getting over someone you never really had can sometimes be worse than a breakup. You’re stuck in the “what could have been” and it’s hard to keep your brain from going to that place of “what did I do wrong.” No matter how hard it is, try to do these things:
Remember that this really is not about you.
No – it’s not. For whatever reason, the match was not right for that person. However, that does not change anything about you and you do not need to change anything about yourself. Being blindsighted sucks, but you have to trust that if you weren’t right for them, they weren’t right for you, either.
Realize that however you were picturing the relationship is likely not how it actually would have looked.
It’s so easy when you’re first talking to someone to picture all the fun things you are going to do together and how cute you’ll be in pictures. Try to remember those are fantasies and relationships aren’t all sunshine and roses. That being said, you shouldn’t have to work to make someone like you. The right person will do what it takes to be with you.
Take off the rose-colored glasses.
I know it’s hard to look at things objectively when you thought everything was going so well, so – if you need to – write down all the things you didn’t like about the person and think of the reasons it would not have worked out.
Get distance.
Don’t look at their social media. Don’t stalk them on Snapmaps. Don’t try and “accidentally” bump into them. I know it’s hard at a place like St. Olaf, but don’t do things to sabotage yourself! You must be strong. Unfriend and unfollow them if you must.
Do things that make you feel good.
Exercise. Have dance parties with your roommates. Take up a new hobby. You’re allowed to be sad but don’t wallow forever.
Remember there are other people out there.
There are. We don’t wanna hear any “The good ones are all taken.” BS! You’re not taken are you? Then there are still good ones out there!
Focus on what you have, not on what you don’t.
It’s easy to go to that place of “this person rejected me, I have nothing and I will be lonely forever.” Instead, focus on your friends, your family, your job, your opportunity to get an education and whatever else you are fortunate to have.
Sincerely,
Honeys on the Hill
Having trouble navigating the St. Olaf dating scene? Need help finding a date? Got more dates than you can handle? Or have a response to this week’s column? E-mail your questions to mess-ae@stolaf.edu and maybe one of our love columnists will answer them in next week’s issue. All submitted questions will remain anonymous.
