This past summer, I stopped doubting myself and fully embraced that I’m very queer. While I’ve speculated that I might be romantically interested in women before this summer I’ve never conceptualized myself being intimate with a woman.
Embracing how I feel inside and letting it flow out of my body into this world has been very freeing and affirming for me. I now feel like I’m a bird in the sky who can fly in any direction. I no longer feel like I have to abide by society’s expectations. I now feel quite lovely and secure saying that when I walk into a public space my eyes are drawn to women and the space they take up rather than men.
Since I’ve established that I find women very sexually attractive and I’d like to date one, I’ve realized I have so many options considering all the attractive women on campus. Every time I turn my head, my jaw drops, and I get flustered. I am fully stopped in my tracks and I have to tell myself to stop staring. I work at Stav and have been pretty terrible at serving lately as so many attractive women come up to get food and I cannot focus on a word they say. It’s very hard to describe how I feel in those moments. It’s as though I leave my body and ascend to the clouds.
This newfound discovery is actually very stressful for me. For some reason I feel like I need to be “on,” meaning I need to be my best self when I see someone that I am attracted to. I feel like I can’t mess up and that I need to impress this beautiful person to get them to also be attracted to me. Now that about 50 percent more of the population makes me feel this way I feel increasingly anxious out in public.
Unfortunately, I haven’t fully stopped gaslighting myself. I haven’t had a sexual experience with a woman, or even held hands with a woman in a romantic way. Due to my lack of experience, I feel as though I’m not pursuing women enough and I need to get on dating apps and go on more dates. I even feel like I need to be asking women that I find attractive for their number or to hang out.
I’m uncertain how to feel about this sudden influx of feelings. I don’t want to feel like I have to impress anyone or always be my best self. I want a connection to form naturally. I don’t want to feel like I have to start dating women now because I realized I’m queer. I don’t want to feel like I have to make a move on everyone I feel physically attracted to.
At this second I’m still very confused about how I feel and if there is anything I should be doing. For right now, I think I’ll just live vicariously through other people’s queer relationships on campus.
