Aries – Do y’all ever get the feeling that you’re just a less cool Capricorn? A ram’s basically just a goat, but just… not as rad. That’s what the stars think, anyway.
Taurus – Mars is in ascendancy today. As in the candy company. Their stock was up 2.11% when the market closed.
Gemini – Why are you guys the only star sign to get two? The other stars don’t think that’s fair, so they’ll be cutting one of the twins into 12 equal pieces and splitting them between you all. From now on you will be 1 & 1/12 twin.
Cancer – Your namesake is trying to kill you. Today’s a good day to visit the oncologist!
Leo – You guys just think you’re so cool, don’t you? You’re so much better than us, with your lion. Let’s see if you still feel that way after 10/20/2023.
Virgo – Your lucky numbers today are whatever you want them to be! Except 9. Stay. Away. From. 9.
Libra – Yeah, she’s the one, girl. Unless you really don’t like her, in which case ignore the stars and break up with her. They don’t know you like you do!
Scorpio – You know what you did. And pretty soon, all of them will too. Your countdown to ruination is ticking away, Scorpio.
Sagittarius – I can’t believe you said that on Twitter three years ago, Sagittarius! That was just… such a shit take.
Capricorn – Don’t forget, Capricorn. Midnight on Saturday, behind the CVS. Bring the Enucleator.
Aquarius – You’re lookin fly today, Aquarius! It’s a real day to put yourself out there, at least for like an hour before you realize you left your phone in the dorm and dejectedly return to it. Maybe tomorrow…
Pisces – You’re doing so well today! Everyone thinks you’re great, and you’re growing into exactly the young woman you want to be. The stars love you.
