Anyone who has ever laid eyes on me in December will tell you that I’m about as Christmas as it gets. I do not play around. So trust me when I say, if anyone is trying to convince you that Christmas season is upon us, they are lying to your face.
I’m as excited as the next person to listen exclusively to songs with jingle bells for a month — probably more excited, if we’re being honest — but we’re all going to need to be patient just a little longer. Allow me to introduce you to the coveted “One True Christmas Timeline.”
August: It is still summer. If you play Christmas music around me in August you will not survive until December.
September: Not Christmas. Not even close to Christmas. Try again.
October: This month is for planning one extremely elaborate outfit that you will wear once. Not for planning Christmas presents. It’s not fun if it’s not last minute.
Nov. 1 to 23: Now, this is the controversial part. Capitalism wants the Christmas season to start here, but it simply does not. In order to give the Christmas season that sense of hope and joy, you have to endure a little winter depression first. Just a little longer…
Nov. 24 to Dec. 25: It is the day after Thanksgiving. It is time. Mariah Carey breaks free from her earthly confines. Put the tree up, put the lights up, dust off your cursed Christmas sweater. Time to consume only peppermint-flavored things for 32 days.
Dec. 26 to March: Post-Christmas apathy sets in. If you mention Christmas around me, I will develop a faraway look in my eyes and stop speaking.
April: It is spring. We start counting to mid-November again.
No matter which way you cut it, Christmas season is only special if it happens for a short time. The longer Christmas season gets, the more the whimsy and warmth of it wears off before Dec. 25 finally arrives. So yes, I’m ready to spend time with those I love the most and eat heaps and heaps of good food and play in the snow for hours. Just not quite yet.
Roxi Wessel is from Fort Collins, Colo. Their majors are history and political science.
