Aries: Congratulations, you’re it! Next week is a game of tag between you and Pisces. If you’re still it by next Thursday, the stars will not be kind to you.
Taurus: You know that ~event~ you’ve been dreading? Buckle up, buster, ‘cause here it comes. Is that what you’re wearing, or…?
Gemini: I’m coming for you, Gemini. Run.
Cancer: You’re in charge of the weather for the next week, Cancer! Whatever happens, we’re blaming you.
Leo: Look out for new people this week! I feel like you’re going to meet someone totally insignificant… so don’t worry about the embarrassing thing you’re going to say to them.
Virgo: Heyyyyyyy, Virgo. You look cute today. I don’t care if we’re astrologically compatible, the only stars I wanna read are the ones in your eyes… and they are telling me the most flattering things…
Libra: Something small is coming your way! A snail, perhaps? Or a pebble? Whatever it is, don’t touch it.
Scorpio: Yeah, you need to make a backup plan for room draw. And a second backup plan. Maybe you should just give up. Have you considered transferring?
Sagittarius: Wow, Sagittarius, you’re going to peak this week! No other week will make you feel this way ever again. You’ll be chasing this high for the rest of your life, so enjoy it while it lasts!
Capricorn: Keep track of your inbox this week! I see many package-related emails in your future. (Also, if you don’t, you’ll be the only one who shows up for that one class that’s gonna get canceled on you.)
Aquarius: Oh no.
Pisces: Beware of Aries! Don’t let them win! The stars shall look very fondly upon your midterm grades if you succeed. (And don’t tell anyone, but I’m rooting for you!)
